Real life sucks. Or, why I'm not good at being an adult.
Here is part of my reality. I have six weeks to finish my new proposal for my new project. I met with my new committee yesterday and they tentatively approved of my new project (which includes partially gathered data, strictly a no-no usually). So. Here's the other half of my reality right now. I know that if and when I do graduate I don't really have great prospects out there for jobs. And I know that that is my long-term future, not short-term future. The reason for this is because my husband's company is doing exceptionally well. Really, really well in fact. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. I'm grateful to him for supporting me while I attempt to attain my goals. And I really couldn't ask for a better husband and father to our daughter. So no, I don't feel like I'm under some sexist oppression for not getting to apply to whatever position strikes my fancy in whatever exotic locale I can. (like my fellow grad students who are untethered) I'm actually pretty content with the idea of teaching.
The thing is, I'd feel A LOT better about "just teaching" if I knew that it paid a living wage and came with job security and benefits. I'm not excited about being a financial burden on my family, rather than contributing. Okay. So all of these things are just eating at me, because ultimately what is going to keep me motivated to finish? What is going to make me press on and get through this incredibly grueling process? There are other careers out there that pay a lot more, and could potentially be more rewarding than part-time faculty positions at local colleges. Okay, I admit it, sometimes I do feel a twinge of sadness knowing that I could probably get a cool post-doc somewhere if it weren't for my family situation. But, there's just nothing to be done about that. Sure, people live separately sometimes in these situations, but not with children in the picture.
Anyway, I'm just tired and discouraged and trying not to feel like this is really all for naught. I think that the only way that I'm going to get through this is to literally shelve everything except for the dissertation for the rest of the year. No more volunteering at SG's school, no more taking classes (right now I'm doing a scuba class that I feel totally coerced into and extremely stressed about - thanks hubby!) or attending afternoon coffee dates, starting new hobbies, creating silly projects. I'll keep up the yoga of course, because it keeps me sane. But I'm thinking that I need to start saying no to a lot more things. I need to start taking this shit seriously.
So, this brings me to this blog. For now, I'm just going to put it aside. If I do post, it's going to be school related. I'm going to make a significant effort to NOT do all of the various hobbies that make me happy. Anyway, just for now. It's causing me too much stress, and that's just silly. I have to make my mantra "procrastination just leads to more stress." Surely if I just devote myself to doing the best possible work that I can that something good will come of it?
So, as a little letter to whoever reads this blog - not sure who you are, some come here by way of yoga, some for crafts, others are friends and family... I just want to say thanks for reading, and I look forward to entertaining you with toy-making and cooking and gardening again someday, but as of right now it's just healthier for me to focus. Admittedly, not fun but that's my reality.