11.08.2010

Day 7: 30 Posts of Truth

(if you would like to find out more about the 30 posts of truth project see here)

So the topic today is someone who has made my life worth living. See if you can figure out who it is.

When my hubby and I first met, I was suffering from a severe depression and was drowning all of my sorrows in alcohol. I had moved across the country in a fit of defiance coupled with despair. To be honest, I didn't have any idea what I was going to do with my life, other than become a hermit and drink myself to death.

Who knows why, but my husband decided that I was a person worth saving, and did just that. He really steadied me and helped me out of the darkness, but even still, although I was mostly happy - I held on to the drinking.

After we had moved and tried to start a new life, I was still drinking to the point of blacking out probably a few times a week. I was making myself sick, and at one point even found myself in the bathroom contemplating drinking rubbing alcohol when I had run out of everything else. Okay, truth be told I actually drank it. I consider this one of the ultimate lows in my life and am even shocked today as I write it. It really just goes to show that you simply can't change for someone else. That and I believe that to quit drugs you have to be around other people who are quitting too.

We reached a point where, even though he didn't want to, he was going to leave me. I was just too much of a mess. When, surprise! I got pregnant. It was a shock and I think neither one of us really knew what to think. But apart from the drinking, we were really in love, when I was sober, things were really good. So we decided to go for it.

This was a significant turning point in my life. I quit everything cold turkey the day I found out. Smoking and drinking and caffeine. It's funny, because it was easy. And it was easy because deep down, I had wanted to. I just couldn't. But here I had a reason, and I just couldn't be the kind of person who would jeopardize the life of her unborn child. I started taking vitamins, and eating healthy, and lo and behold I felt better than I had in years! Shortly after that I got a job at a bakery, and it turned out that the other baker was in AA. We spent many, many days in the kitchen of that bakery sharing our stories. She was an incredible help to me. I didn't feel the need to go to a meeting, because it had been months since I had drank and I had no intention of starting again. But the support system was invaluable.

I guess this is a story about a lot of people that helped to make my life worthwhile. Without my husband and especially my daughter, I really don't know if I'd be alive today. After she was born, I went another two years without drinking. Nowadays, I can have a glass of wine or a beer and enjoy myself, I do sincerely believe that as long as you take enough time off, you can drink in moderation. But you have to know your limits and your triggers. For example, I try to never drink when I'm sad or stressed, or even alone, and I never drink hard liquor. It's been working for me for five years now, and I haven't had a single relapse. It's also taken probably that long for me to make it up to my husband all the pain that I caused him, but I'm so thankful that he stuck by me.

2 comments:

B. Miller said...

You are so brave.

I am loving this 30 posts of truth thing. Keep it up.

pixie658 said...

I wrote this really long comment and it didn't upload. :(

I have really enjoyed this 30 day of truths series. I have followed along even though I've really cut back on Internet time.

Basically I was just going to say that I'm so happy you shared this story. I have a past with substance abuse that I don't discuss openly. I also grew up with an alcoholic grandpa and father and have dated every kind of addict there is out there. Before grad school, I stopped drinking or taking anything medication wise, stopped dating, cold turkey everything. I can now enjoy having a good time without it being associated with numbing any pain or something. I do drink alone sometimes, but it is usually a beer or a glass of wine on a Friday night with dinner. If I feel myself slipping and notice I'm sad and want to drink more, I have three people I can call.
I'm so thankful for your husband and for your daughter. Even though I don't know you, in real life, I've loved getting to know you online. You rock. Namasté!

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