11.11.2010

Day 10: 30 posts of truth

Whew, I almost missed today - life has been crazy busy around here lately. It will be pretty amazing when I get through this month.

Today's post is about someone who I need to let go, or wish I didn't know. To be honest, this just seems unnecessarily cruel. Over the past few years I've tried very hard to only make friends with people who are a positive influence on me. I'm trying to distance myself from those folks that leave me feeling less than good after I hang out with them. This is not an easy thing to do. I think that either I'm a very poor judge of character or I just tend to have a hard time seeking those kinds of people out. I think I'm getting better at it, but it's still hard. I recently had to distance myself from someone who I found was just really hurting me. I felt just awful, because she noticed and I was too cowardly to admit it. But, I just couldn't see how she could benefit from my telling her that I just didn't like her anymore. She's just too judgmental. Its so hard to be friends with people who are constantly making judgments about others because you can't help but think that they are silently judging you. And who needs that kind-of stress from a friendship? I get enough judgment from my colleagues (and my internal monologue)!!

It's always very difficult for me though, because I am sympathetic to people. I know that if they are very negative or judgmental it's because they are not happy, with either the world or themselves. I naturally want to be there for them when no one else does. I want to be a good friend to them. But I simply don't have it in me right now to take abuse. I genuinely believe that if you care enough about someone that you should let them abuse you a little, that's what unconditional love is about. But I shouldn't let that be just anyone, right? Anyway, just not right now. I'm on a self-preservation kick at the moment. I teeter too close to the edges of depression most days to be there fully for someone who's not willing to be there for me. What I'm looking for in friendship at the moment is support, and fun. Mostly fun. :)

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