I've hit a trough lately. Maybe I'm too busy, trying to do many things. I need to slow down and focus on my work. I have also been really slacking on my yoga practice too. As I write this it is 7:30AM, so it's not like I'm snoozing. I'm just, I don't know... tired. I'm really tired. I don't feel rested when I get up. I feel like I've not had enough of a break from yesterday to start doing it all over again.

The problem is work though. Right now I'm just plodding through hundreds of articles, reading and taking notes. I'm so sick of it. I know that I need to start writing, like now - but I can't yet. I want to get through all of this literature first. It seems like every step of grad school is so difficult because it's always something that I've never done before and really have no idea how to do. I haven't the faintest idea how to write a proposal. My adviser said it should be sort of like a grant application. That doesn't really help. I've never done one of those either. I should though, I really should. Just like I should learn signal detection theory, and how to fit functions to my data, and how to program experiments in MatLab, and how to set up a patch panel. Right.

See, the problem is not that I'm not smart enough, it's time. I just don't have enough time. Having the kiddo not be here for a week reminds me of the hours upon hours that I have missed out on over the last three years. Hours that I could have spent working. Hours that my colleagues have spent working. I envy others' dedication and diligence, but really - it's not a matter of working hard, it's a matter of just having less time to work. I left the lab at six yesterday, and could almost cry at what my expertise level would be if I could have spent that much time working everyday.

So, at any rate, I'm behind schedule. I should be writing this week, but I'm still reading and coding. That's okay though, I'm getting close to done. I think after today and maybe tomorrow I should be done. Then it's write, write, write. Then wait, wait, wait. (for my adviser to read, read, read) I was reminded yesterday that I really needed to "get that proposal done asap". Yes, who only takes three weeks to write a dissertation proposal? Who has two thumbs and an adviser who want to get the hell out of dodge? This gal. It's plodding time. That's all it is. No time to beat myself up about not getting to yoga, or not cleaning, or not spending time with friends etc... I must plod. I can do this. Yesterday I did manage to get up and do yoga at home, which was great - and as I laid on the floor in savasana that old sketch came back to me

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me"

Sounds really stupid but it's amazing how much better that made me feel. I made it this far, right? My friends and family will still be there when I'm done, right? I just need to stop staying up so late. So long summer, it was nice knowing you.


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ily said...

chug chug chug! You can do it! Don't beat yourself up, be as productive as you can when you can. That's all you can do. Oh and take a break from time to time for balance and happiness! xo


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