making progress

Due to the fact that I stayed up until 12:30 or so--getting out of bed was quite a challenge this morning. I just kept thinking, I'll just get through it... and initially, that is what I was doing. Got through all the suryas mechanically, and by the time I had gotten to the standing poses, I was feeling warm and awake. In fact, what I was sure would be a terrible practice because I was so tired, ended up being a great one. I was able to get into Marichyasana on one side, with no help. And then, I actually hit my headstand again. I didn't mention it before, but I had a mishap last week where I fell out of it - with a crash, and then couldn't seem to get it back. It takes so much trust and courage to kick up into the air like that - for me anyway!

The Oak man and I had a really good talk last night. About trust. I read an article about an experiment which manipulated people's feelings of trust. What the people in the experiment did not know though, was that the part that mattered was whether or not they read an essay about people's ability to change. After reading the essay they then played a game which required trusting your partner to obtain a reward in the end. Everyone ended up getting screwed over by their partner, but the group that had read the essay which stated that people were able to change gave the partner another chance. Essentially, what the research states, is that you will be more willing to forgive if you believe that people are capable of changing.

This has been a big point of contention between us. He doesn't really believe that people can change. I want him to believe that I have. Trust. It's such an crucial detail in life. Trust allows you freedom from pain, but it also leaves you open to it. When someone has been hurt repeatedly all their lives, as he has, giving in to trust feels like a mistake. It feels foolish. I just have to convince him that it's not. That it will actually make his life even better than it is now.


Grad School Drama said...

You are inspiring me to get back to my practice. In November I categorically abandoned it (along with any fresh and healthy food). It was the downward spiral, I like to say inspired by grad school angst. Oh, to be 14 again. Anyway, thank you.

Headstand. Yes. At my strongest, it still took me so long to trust myself enough to do it. I had a mishap a long time before, and actually in handstand (and was pushed by a teacher--this was before I learned to listen to myself first in a class). Anyway, having my feet above my head was something that terrified me, not to mention I doubted my strength despite all of the signs that said I should be able to do it. Trusting another is hard, indeed, but trusting yourself is a crucial pre-req... and one that, at least according to my personal history, alluded me for some time and remains an ongoing point of growth and challenge.

Thanks again. Asana and pranayam tomorrow morning... for sure.

B. Miller said...

Trust is hard. I have a tendency to trust to a fault, but once I reach my breaking point it's almost impossible to trust again. Maybe that's something I should work on. I guess there's part of me that believes people just don't change. My experience has shown me this is true in so many ways. How can I bring about change in an individual? I can't - I can only change myself. And if I'm the only one open to change... it gets discouraging.


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