4.12.2010

unhappiness

Will someone please explain to me why it is that when with all the beauty in the world and we are lucky, fortunate people with everything at our fingertips, a beautiful lovely family, that my husband chooses to remain so unhappy? I say that he chooses because the things that he is unhappy about happened a very, very long time ago. They are things that happened between us, true - so the memory will likely remain as long as we are together but yet, all is well now. Things really couldn't be better. But one moment we are discussing building a beautiful home in the country and the next we are ready to leave one another forever. I can't begin to understand why. I am happy with the way things are. I am happy with him. Except when he becomes bitter and angry. And then his soul seems small to me. He seems to not notice any of the beauty around us and I think that he is blind and will always remain self-contained. He will never shake off the shackles of his childhood. He will never see me in a pure and objective light. I will always seem like a spoiled, conniving and entitled person as does everyone who did not have an unhappy childhood. Are we broken? Can we be fixed? I'm tired of trying, I know that. How can a wound be fresh when it is eight years old? How can it be when so many things have happened since? How can he still be hurt when I've done nothing in the past eight years except love and support him, and work to create a peaceful home. I know you can't make someone forgive you, but is there a way to know when it's no longer worth it to keep trying? I wish he would get help, but he would rather rehash the same tired old argument over and over and over. He stubbornly refuses to accept the fact that we cannot fix this ourselves. And I can't seem to get past the idea that there is nothing to fix! Again, how can you be unhappy when you have so much to be happy about?

2 comments:

pixie658 said...

Aw. I'm sending hugs and love your way. I hope you can both talk about this and figure it out. It's tough. It is hard to keep the past in the past, but it is a decision we have to make. Thinking about you.

B. Miller said...

Falling down on my blog comments... sorry, non-virtual life is kicking my ass at the moment. So sorry to hear you're having issues, especially those which are coming back up after such a long time. I hope you can work it out and reach a decision which ultimately benefits all three of you.

And if you need a friendly ear, I've got two of 'em. :)

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