A Happy Place?

For some reason, I feel like I'm sabatoging myself. I got zero work done today, and I'm up late when I know I have to wake up early in the morning. I wrote for a couple of hours about my feelings on what's going on between the man and I. And I've been having crazy muscle cramps all day, in my back, my calf and neck. What gives?

The puppy is dreaming beside me. Of what I wonder? I should be as well.

But it's one of those evenings. I don't really want tomorrow to come. I don't really want the future to come. I feel like if I just don't fall asleep somehow I'll keep this from happening. I don't know why I do this. I'm sleepy, my eyes are burning. There is a part of me, obviously that knows that I should go to sleep. But I have this stubborn, stubborn side to me. That refuses to do anything that it feels like is an obligation. This is the side of me that keeps me from attaining my goals, the side of me that keeps me up at night, and causes me to shirk responsibilities. Why don't you just go away other side? Why can't I just be responsible, goal oriented, and sleep?

Because I know it's a farce.

I know, deep down inside that all of this running around and goals and attainment are an illusion. It's meaningless, all of it. This part of me will not let me forget that. It never has. So I always end up sabatoging any attempt at a "normal" life. Because I know there is really no such thing. I just wish we could all give in to this side of ourselves. What would that mean? Hedonism? Animalistic behavior? Would we all behave like children, who have no concept of time, of morality, or empathy? Or would we be able to be something better? Some combination of wisdom and whimsy? Understanding without desire. Without whatever the need is that drives us to do these many foolish things that we fill up our hours with. I would hope that it would. I can see it. Because with this understanding would also come an appreciation that we're all this way. We're all imperfect creatures, making our way as best we can, working with what we've been given. If you can see that than you can have forgiveness. And if we could all have forgiveness, it would be a happy place for sure.


pixie658 said...

I catch myself finding ways to avoid what I need to do because whatever it is I need to do makes me so anxious. I'm thinking about you and sending you hugs. <3

B. Miller said...

Everything is an illusion... you only have to look at the news to see how your world could crumble in a second, with no warning.

It's what we decide to do with the time we have that counts. When I realized this, REALLY processed it, I started the novel not long after. I set my long-term goals in place and began to work towards them. Since that time I've been focusing on the day to day goals because the bigger ones are just too overwhelming. I feel like I'm climbing a huge hill with my head down, focusing on the path under my feet. Every so often I look up to see how far away the summit is, but mostly I just keep my eyes and my mind on the task at hand. It's the only thing that keeps me really sane.

Eat some potassium... that'll help the cramps.

I really hope things get better for you soon.


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