3.20.2010

Half-life

What does it mean that I got a j. crew catalog in the mail and loved everything in it?

It's things like this that concern me in my thirties. I'm split between liking what I like and then wondering what I'm supposed to like, and then wondering if I care, and whether I should. When I was younger I knew what I was supposed to like, and chose not to care. When I was in my twenties, I didn't care what I was supposed to like. And now, not only do I not know what I'm supposed to like, I don't know if I should like it or not, and I care too much.

Is anyone else confused?

I feel like this often, I've lost my ability to not care what others think. This has certainly been brought about by the fact that I've entered a world where others opinions of me matter not only to just me. What I do now is a reflection on my husband, my kid, sometimes my husband's business, and potentially my career. It just doesn't always pay to throw caution to the wind anymore. But simultaneously, I continue to be bothered by the fact that I don't actually care, but must continue to act like I do.

To me, this is what it means to be an adult.

That said -- all in all, it kind of sucks. Just like I thought it would.

......................................................................................

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

2 comments:

B. Miller said...

The thing to remember is whether or not you're happy with who you are. As long as you're on the path you've chosen and are secure in the reasons for that choice, who cares what others think? I completely understand what you mean about your choices and decisions reflecting on your family and career, but you're going to put your family and career first regardless of what you do. Trust yourself to make the right choice. It's in there, for sure.

That being said... being a grown-up does suck. I guess we all have personal distinctions which make us realize we've finally become one of that dreaded tribe... but I still feel as if I'm only a real "adult" on a trial basis. ;)

Thanks for sharing your journal with me... I look forward to reading!

maepress said...

I think that we all secretly aren't sure that we're truly adults. Or at least that's what I tell myself...

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