blogging can be difficult

The main reason why I blog is to have a journal of sorts. For a long time I felt like I should just only post things that were cool, like a recent project that I had made, or photo etc... but then occasionally it becomes a place where I can vent about things that are bothering me. But not really - because it's not entirely anonymous. So, sometimes I'm left wondering why I do it, and don't just have a journal. I really enjoy reading other people's blogs, though - so why not. Hm. Anyway, one thing I have not been able to find is any good blogs by grad students. Maybe they are just too busy. Or maybe our lives are just so boring. I hit upon the reason the other day for why I'd like to find one though.

I have a lot of friends, but not any that are actually doing the same thing that I'm doing. I love all my friends, but I either have one's that are in school with no children, or with children and not in school. It is a tough road, and one that I think could be difficult to sympathize with if you're not in the same boat. Just like anything else, really.

So I'm wondering if I should make an effort to hang out with people in my program that have children? I know of one, but he's also male - which doesn't really help. Or should I just not worry about it and continue to feel lonely? Don't know. I had thought for a little while about even forming a group of some sort, just to get together for coffee or something. But, again - who? Anyway, it's probably not that important. Sometimes I just feel like people at school think I'm a slacker because they don't know what it's like to have a kid. And not that my friends who are parents think that I'm a bad parent, it's just tough because I don't care to bore them with school related talk.

So, rather than trying to find a blog that fulfills this requirement, I'm just going to write about them myself! Like for example, the fact that I don't get to enjoy my weekend and my house is in shambles because although I just turned in the longest paper I've ever written, I also have to put together a talk on said paper in the next two days. Really just one day. But all the people I know who are in school, not only do they have time to clean their houses and make healthy meals, but they even have time to work out!

Sample day: get up at 7:00, dress and feed both kiddo and myself, pack lunches for us and whatever else we may need, walk her to the bus stop at 7:45. After this, I have some choice as to whether I want to go in at that moment, or try to get to work by nine, which is when most people do. Usually, I spend this time cleaning up the kitchen, picking up the house etc... I'm at the lab from 9-4. This is a decent amount of time for most people to get work done. If I'm really on the ball, I can get a lot done, but honestly - it doesn't cut the mustard most days. I get home because the bus gets back at 4:45. Then she needs a snack and either get ready for gymnastics, which we need to leave for by 5:30, or just relax a little before dinner. I cook dinner most days, try to do so before 6:30, so we can sit down and eat. Then bath, book, bed for the kiddo, most nights by 8-8:30. Here's the tough part. What I should do at this point is get back to work and do a few more hours before bed. This is always very hard for me, because one, my husband is lazing around and I'd like to hang out with him, and two, I'm usually pretty tired by this point. Anyway, so this leaves saturday and sunday for cleaning, groceries, laundry, and some time to play. We almost always have weekend plans, so the domestic stuff gets crapped, but then the following week goes very poorly, because I have no time to grocery shop, so we end up scrambling for dinner and lunches. So it's either, have a fun weekend, and a crappy week, or a lame weekend and a week that runs smoothly, but doesn't actually feel like I had a break. Drenched over this is total guilt of not working enough. 30 hours a week is pretty pathetic. Not including a few hours of running to campus every week for talks or class. So it's probably more like 26. Um, can I get a phD working only 26 hours a week? NO! So, I need to get to work earlier, and work in the evenings and on the weekend. Fuck housework! who needs to have a life? bah.


pixie658 said...

are you sure we are not the same person? because I could have written this blog post today. I just started working on a blog entry this morning, but felt guilty knowing I have a take home quiz, a thesis proposal, a conference submission, and a short essay due this coming week. My house is always a wreck. Anyway, I think it is good to take time out every day for yourself. I am going to try to take time every week to write a blog post. So let's see if we can do it!

maepress said...

Thanks for encouragement. I need to hear that!


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